


i've built my life around the love that i've found

by chthonicheart



Series: my end and my beginning [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tropes, discussions about death, hard conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21728158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chthonicheart/pseuds/chthonicheart
Summary: The sun is only just peeking over the horizon, shining through the window behind Buck. Eddie had breakfast on the stove already when he knocked on the door, and despite the fact that this is their first time doing something like this, it somehow feels the opposite. It feels as if this is a regular occurrence for them, like Saturday morning adventures didn't only start today. Truthfully, he had figured it had been a fluke, at first, that maybe someone up top was playing a cruel joke on him when he’d immediately taken an interest in the other man. But if anything today is only proving it's a downhill avalanche from here; Buck's heart sings whenever he's near. He doesn't know a lot about love, but Buck knows whatever this is, it's close.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: my end and my beginning [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570999
Comments: 30
Kudos: 437





	1. i. 7.1

**Author's Note:**

> hooo boy, this is a monster!! it's also the longest fic i've wrriten in...... uh, about 5 years. this is, if you couldn't tell from the tags, a canon divergent fic that follows canon up until 3x10. 
> 
> even though i know they don't get the best rep in most fandom spaces, i really do adore 5+1 fics, and i knew i'd have to write one for my two favorite firefighters in love, so here we are. 
> 
> working summary of this fic was '5 times eddie calls christopher 'my son' when hanging out with buck + the one time he doesn't' if that gives you any indication as to what kind of fic this is gonna be, strap on in, this is going to be a long, kind of emotional, but ultimately fluffy ride :) 
> 
> this touches on events that happened in canon but i may have gotten details wrong, so thank god for creative license. unbeta'd, but read over and run through grammarly by me.

It’s a few weeks after the earthquake when Buck finds himself, for the first time ever, hanging out with Christopher and Eddie. On _purpose_.

Aside from taking them home after picking him up with Eddie after school, and the day Christopher spent with them, he hasn’t really had much interaction with him. Or even Eddie, outside work. Buck’s excited, once he’d gotten over his -- admittedly childish -- dick-measuring contest, he really did see just how well he and Eddie got on. There is something easily unspoken between them, a bond that was forged pretty much immediately under a high-pressure situation. He imagines it's not unlike the bond you form with your squadron in the middle of a warzone but wisely keeps that little thought to himself.

Buck’s no stranger to how close you can become to someone on the job, but the way their friendship took off the way it did is certainly new. 

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Eddie asks, laughing a little. 

Buck turns to him, and though he sounds teasing, he can see the worry that hides behind it. 

That’s a first, too. He’s never been able to read someone so well; well, at least someone who _isn’t_ Maddie. He doesn’t think that happens to count, either. They are siblings, for one thing. 

“Sorry,” Buck says, grinning a little. He's successfully brought back to the present, which is probably for the best. Who knows how much longer he could have entertained those thoughts. Best not to find out, really. “Did I miss anything important?” 

“Chris is very invested in seeing some stingrays,” Eddie explains. 

“I wanna touch one, Dad! Do you think they’ll let me touch one?” Christopher asks, his eyes lit up in excitement. 

Buck laughs along with Eddie at that one. 

“I think there’s a good chance,” Eddie tells him, conspiratorially, like the two of them didn’t spend a good thirty-minute portion of their shift looking for one that specifically had a petting tank. Buck’s heart grows another size in his chest, and for a moment it almost feels too big for his ribcage to contain. 

“Oh, man, Chris, I’ve heard they feel kinda weird,” Buck adds on. 

They’re gathered at the Diaz’s dinner table. Buck came over before the sun even rose, knowing Eddie would want to leave as soon as possible so they can be there when the doors open. He’s sure Eddie’s already printed out every pamphlet and park map of the aquarium that exists. 

He pretends it’s not nearly as endearing as it is. 

(He’s not very successful if he’s being honest.) 

The sun is only just peeking over the horizon, shining through the window behind Buck. Eddie had breakfast on the stove already when he knocked on the door, and despite the fact that this is their first time doing something like this, it somehow feels the opposite. It feels as if this is a regular occurrence for them, like Saturday morning adventures didn't only start today. Truthfully, he had figured it had been a fluke, at first, that maybe someone up top was playing a cruel joke on him when he’d immediately taken an interest in the other man. But if anything today is only proving it's a downhill avalanche from here; Buck's heart sings whenever he's near. He doesn't know a lot about love, but Buck knows whatever this is, it's _close_.

Maybe having an ego-measuring contest wasn’t the only reason Buck found himself unable to take his eyes off of him their first shift together. 

The fact that this hasn’t changed in the last several weeks if only getting _worse_ doesn’t really seem that important. It's not like it's going to go anywhere, anyway. Eddie is just about as straight as they come, and as unfortunate as that is, Buck's going to need to accept that. 

“Buck?” Christopher asks, looking at him with concerned eyes. 

Buck flushes, flicking his eyes to Eddie who is looking at him closely, as if trying to figure him out. He’s silent for a few moments, holding Buck’s gaze, before making his way to the coffee maker in the corner. He grabs two mugs, filling them both up with steaming, delicious, _beautiful_ coffee. 

If he’s caffeinated then he won’t have time to get lost in his own head. Which is definitely what he needs right now. He’s been looking forward to today since Eddie asked if he wanted to hang out at the beginning of the week. 

He is going to enjoy this. 

Buck refuses anything different. 

“Sorry, buddy,” Buck apologizes. “Still a little tired. What were you saying?” 

Christopher smiles at him, shrugging his shoulders at Buck’s apology. “That’s okay, Buck, I know you didn’t mean to. Do you think they’ll have sharks there?” 

Buck pretends to think about it. “Maybe. Do you like sharks, Chris?” 

“They’re _so_ cool!” 

Eddie snorts from where he’s mixing creamer and sugar into their coffees. Buck doesn’t remember telling him how he takes it, but he knows if he didn’t then someone at the station probably did. They pretty much all know everything about each other anyway; maybe Eddie got curious and asked? 

“He’s obsessed with all things ocean. But his favorites right now are sharks and stingrays, isn’t that right, buddy?” Eddie asks, voice fond and indulgent. He sets Buck’s mug down in front of him with a soft smile. Buck can tell just by looking at it that it’s perfect. “You seem like you could use this. Did you get any sleep last night?” 

Buck wills himself not to blush and fails. He wraps his hands gratefully around his drink and sighs at the warmth that spreads through him. It takes his mind off of the erratic pulse of his heart, at the very least. Buck smiles at him, mouths his thanks, and takes a sip so he doesn’t blurt out how much he appreciates the gesture like an idiot. 

“Sharks and stingrays are the coolest. I bet you know all the coolest facts, huh? Mind teaching this old man something new?” Buck asks, playfully, nudging Chris’ shoulder. The boy giggles. 

“Old man,” Eddie says, scoffing around the rim of his mug. “Says the ‘90’s kid.” 

Buck rolls his eyes. “What does that have to do anything?” 

“Nothing someone as young as you would understand,” Eddie teases. Buck narrows his eyes, grabbing his napkin so he can roll it up and chuck it at Eddie’s head. It bounces, pitifully, off of the man’s shoulder and falls towards the floor. “Smooth. Thank you for teaching my son to throw things at me like that.” 

Buck doesn’t even have time to panic, because Eddie is smiling at him, somehow soft and wide and every other little nice thing he’s never seen directed at him in a smile before. Instead, a warm, comfortable feeling spreads through him, much like a warm cup of coffee on a colder-than-usual morning. 

Much like the coffee had this colder-than-usual morning. 

Buck grins. “Oh, Eddie, you haven’t seen nothing yet,” Buck says, reaching for another napkin on the table -- Eddie’s own, it seems like -- to ball it and press it into Christopher’s hand. “You know what to do, right, buddy?” 

Their answering laughs make Buck feel as if he’s floating. 

  
  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  
  


They arrive twenty minutes late at the aquarium, so they’re not there for the opening. 

Eddie doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by it. 


	2. ii. buck actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the whiplash, lol. decided to split this into chapters to make it easier to read! 
> 
> the chapter titles correspond with the episodes in canon these individual scenes take place! <3 
> 
> thank you for reading, and sorry to edit it like this LOL

For a long time, several days afterward, at the very least, Buck doesn’t understand why Mitchell and Thomas hit him so hard. 

This is hardly the first time he’s experienced losing a couple, and it always hurts, it does. Buck doesn’t it like it when they lose people, but it’s safe to say the image of Thomas curled over Mitchell in grief is one he will never forget. One he hasn't been able to stop sitting with, whenever he's alone or trying to sleep or _both_. They lived long lives together, that much was obvious by the scrapbook found at the scene, and yet Buck’s heart still hurts for them. 

Neither of them deserved what they got, but that’s often how life went. 

Usually, it's easy to brush off, to shove it in a locked compartment in his mind to never unpack. But these feelings refuse to _budge_ , don’t move even a single inch. Buck can't stop running over every expression that crossed Thomas' face, to see if maybe, just maybe, he could have seen it coming if he had paid attention enough. Of course, he never comes up with anything that could have tipped him off, but that isn't enough to get him to stop considering it. 

There has to be _something_. Right? Something he missed. Something he could have done differently. 

The team has noticed the way he’s been carrying himself differently the last week. Bobby makes his favorite food for dinner twice without prompting, Hen corners him at the end of their double on Thursday with concerned eyes and asks if he’s doing okay, if he needs anything. Buck waves off their concern with a ready grin, but he knows he’s not fooling anyone. 

He’s laying in his bunk, arm thrown over his face as he tries to rest through as much of this drought in calls as he can. Normally he would be using any excuse to talk to his team, but he’s not feeling up to it right now. Laying here in the dark, on the edge of sleep, sounds better than dealing with the worried way they've all been watching him lately.

(Maybe if he doesn’t acknowledge it’s because of those two, then it’s not actually _true_ ). 

Buck’s startled out of his half-doze when a gentle, warm hand lands on his shoulder. 

“Buck?” 

He jumps up, and it would probably be hilarious if he wasn't so close to falling to a _very_ uncomfortable, most likely painful position. Buck closes his eyes, bracing himself for the inevitable impact of his flailing, but it never comes. Instead, Eddie's steadying hands (both of them, on either side of him) hold him in place, and he's greeted by the amused quirk of his best friend's mouth. 

Buck would really like to kiss him, all things considered. 

“Whoa, hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Eddie whispers. 

Buck laughs, collapsing back onto the bed. “Holy shit. You saved me like, a solid two weeks of bruising.” 

If he looks up at Eddie with more adoration than anything, well, at least it’s dark in here, and Eddie seems to be preoccupied with Buck’s flailing than anything that lies in his voice or on his face. 

Thank _God_. 

The last thing he needed was for his best friend to get a clue. Buck hopes he never gets a clue.

That’s what they are. Buck can say it easily, with confidence, he’s never had a best friend before and that’s what Eddie is to him. They’ve hung out plenty of times since by now, both with Chris and without him. Buck never thought he'd be able to have so much fun with a friend and their son, but every moment they spend together proves Buck wrong in that regard and at least twenty more. They’re Buck’s favorite boys, and he counts himself lucky each day Eddie continues to seek him out. 

Like this, even. Seeking Buck out when, of the two of them, Eddie needs the sleep more than he does.

“It’s the least I could do,” Eddie says, the smile clear in his voice. “It’s been a while since any of us have seen you, I wanted to check up on you and make sure you were doing okay.” 

Buck almost laughs but doesn’t when he pictures the disappointed curve to Eddie’s mouth after he does. The last thing he ever wants to do is upset him in any way, which is pathetic. Eddie’s rendered him absolutely useless and the most pathetic thing about it all is that he doesn’t even care. 

“I’m okay, man,” Buck assures him. “Not too up to being around everyone right now, I guess.” 

Eddie nods, eyes wide and understanding. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Buck knows, if he’s going to talk about it to anyone, it will be Eddie. 

Eddie, who had rushed over to them when Buck started calling over his team after realizing Thomas wasn't moving on top of his late husband. Eddie, who had watched the desperation gather on Buck's face as he hopelessly tried to revive Thomas when he was laid out properly, Eddie who laid his hand on his shoulder, much like he is now, much like he does all of the time. 

He wants to have this, for as long as Eddie will let him. 

“I guess I’m having a hard time dealing with one of our recent calls,” Buck admits. “I know it’s not healthy, to carry them home with us, but--” 

“Sometimes you can’t help it,” Eddie finishes for him, voice soft. He leans forward, and through the dimness of their sleeping quarters he can only just make out the look on his face. Buck doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look so open before. “This is about Mitchell and Thomas, isn’t it?”

Buck hates that his body’s immediate reaction to that is having his eyes well up with tears. 

“Yeah,” he says, exhaling shakily. “I know I need to get over it.” 

“No one ever said you had to do anything of the sort, Buck.” 

“I just can’t get out what they lost out of my head. How most people die without ever finding a love like that, and they -- they were old, yeah, but… nothing about that seemed fair, you know?” 

Eddie still hasn’t moved his hands. Buck doesn't want them to leave. “Death often isn’t fair.” 

Buck's never experienced first hand how true that really is. 

"Yeah," Buck agrees. 

"That can't be the only thing that has you this upset."

He's right. Of course, he's right. He's learned to stop being surprised by how well the other man knows him. It's suddenly very warm under the thin blanket the station supplies every firefighter with, and it's easier to pretend he doesn't know why. 

"They met each other when they were around my age," Buck whispers. Maybe if he speaks it quietly it'll be easier, somehow. "They had all those years to make and build something. I just can't help but feel like I'm running out of time."

Eddie laughs, then, but it's not unkind. If anything, it is fond, even slightly exasperated. 

"Buck, you can't put a time limit on something as complicated as _love._ That's setting yourself up for disappointment," Eddie says, gently. "Can I be honest?"

Buck swallows. "Yeah, man. Always."

"You're probably not going to find anything like theirs, it was never yours to have in the first place. But, you can build something just as great. Be more patient with yourself."

"I suck at being patient," Buck groans. 

Eddie pats his shoulder reassuringly. "I know, buddy." 

Buck glances over at him, covering his mouth with his hand as he yawns. 

"Thanks, man," Buck says, sincerely. 

"Anytime." Eddie pauses, making a considering noise. "Hey, Buck. You wouldn't happen to be busy tonight, would you?" 

Buck hopes he doesn't look as hopeful as he thinks he does. 

"Uh, no. I should be free, actually. Why?"

"Christopher won't stop talking about how we need to invite you over for dinner sometime," Eddie says. His words have no business causing the dopey smile that takes over his face, but it does anyway. "What do you say? Are you into the idea of surprising my son with the city's best pizza?" 

And, well. Buck really can't help it if he beams at him now. Leave it to Eddie to know exactly what will cheer him up. It's impossible to be upset after a night with the two of them.

"Hell yeah, I'm down. I think the real question is if you actually know what the best LA pizza is," Buck challenges. 

“Oh, it’s _on,_ Buck. You're hardly an LA native yourself,” Eddie teases. 

In the end, Buck doesn’t forget about it, really, but it’s easier to deal with, knowing his best friend truly is in his corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! let me know what you think <3


	3. iii. this life we choose

When Buck opens his eyes again -- not for the first time, maybe the second or third, really -- his entire body is lit up in pain. He’s always been under the impression that he had a pretty high tolerance, but getting his leg crushed under a ladder rig _really_ managed to push that assumption in perspective. How high can tolerance be, when faced with trauma such as that?

This is not as bad as that, but it is pretty damn close; he grits his teeth against it. 

Ali isn’t here anymore, though he remembers waking up to her and Maddie the first time. Truthfully, he’s grateful for the privacy. He can barely keep his head on the right way right now, and the last thing he wants is for her to see him so weak for such a prolonged period. Especially given the way she reacted to him wanting to go back to work. Buck's not sure what that means for them, but there's a nagging at the back of his head that tells him it isn't good. 

Buck grunts as he tries to lift his head off the pillow, but his body is stiff from lack of movement. He falls back against his pillows in defeat, resigning himself to needing help if he wants to sit up any further than this. He fumbles around the for remote to call the nurse in, but before he can the door is gently opening and in it, he hears the familiar thudding of Christopher’s crutches. 

“Buck!” Christopher exclaims, seeing Buck is, in fact, awake. “Dad, he’s awake.” 

“I see that, superman,” Eddie says, voice patient and kind. There’s a vase of flowers in his the hand that isn’t a steadying presence on the little guy’s back, and Buck doesn’t even bother trying not to roll his eyes at the sight of them. 

Leave it to his best friend. 

(He is _not_ pleased about this. He’s not.)

“Hey, guys,” Buck says, allowing a small smile to grow on his face. “What are you guys doing here?” 

“Here to visit you, silly!” Christopher answers, moving towards the closest side of his hospital bed. 

Buck watches him, unable to believe the size of heart this kid manages to fit in such a tiny body. Christopher is about the sweetest kid in the world. Buck never would have thought a _child_ would have such an impact on his life, but he has. Over the last few months as he and Eddie have gotten closer (and Buck’s fallen further into his feelings for the man) he’s also gotten as close to Christopher. 

Truthfully, he had been hoping the little man wouldn’t have to see him like this. The last thing Buck wants to do is startle him -- though he would be lying if he said he didn't appreciate the company. He refuses to think about why their company is so welcome compared to others, and sighs. 

Chris, thankfully, seems fine with it, which causes Buck to melt back a little. At least that’s one less thing to worry about. 

“Lucky me for having the best visitors in the hospital, then,” Buck says. Christopher puts one of his tiny hands on the top of Buck’s where it’s resting on his stomach. Buck’s heart breaks, the touch is soft and timid, like Christopher is scared one wrong move is going to hurt him. “Hey, little man. What’s up?” he asks, softly. 

He hears the thump of the vase hitting the bedside table on the other side of his head. Buck glances over, finds Eddie who has already set the vase down, watching him and Christopher with a look so softhearted Buck is sure he’s projecting at first. But Eddie doesn’t avert his gaze; it only causes him to come closer. 

Which is nice. 

Very nice. 

Buck likes it when Eddie’s close to him like this. The man’s fingers wrap around Buck’s other hand, though he doesn’t lace their fingers together, much to Buck’s disappointment. 

“Hey,” Eddie greets. “I’m sorry it took us so long to get here. I was going to come by myself, but this one insisted on making sure his Buck was okay. He was _very_ persistent.” 

“I was,” Christopher says, grin wide and proud. 

Buck’s shoulders shake with his laughter. “You guys were that worried about me, huh?” 

“You’re our Buck,” replies Christopher. From his tone, it’s obvious Christopher thinks Buck should already know this. _Their Buck_. Shit, it’s probably almost a little sad how exhilarating that is to think even think about. Buck thinks now, maybe, a dick-measuring contest back, in the beginning, wasn't even part of it at all. Eddie's made such a pocket for himself in his heart that he sees it was there, although smaller, since that first glance he ever got. 

Buck averts his eyes to Eddie once again. His best friend doesn’t look shocked or uncomfortable by Christopher’s words, which only makes him even more confused. Now that Eddie’s close, he can see how tired his best friend is. There are dark bags under his eyes, the purple-blue of someone who hasn’t had a proper sleep in a long time. His skin is paler than he remembers, though that could easily be the hospital’s fault. He's still gorgeous, of course, he is, this is _Eddie._ At this point, he gets hit on more than Buck does. 

Christopher has situated himself in the chair by Buck’s bedside, watching him carefully. Eddie's phone is in his lap, which has some kind of game loaded for Christopher to keep himself busy. 

“Hey,” Buck whispers to his best friend, turning towards him once again. “You okay?” 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “You’re unbelievable. I’m not the one in the hospital, Buck. I’m good. Especially now.” 

Buck prays the blush he knows is covering his cheeks is washed out from how sterile and boring the room around them is. 

“So? Just ‘cause I’m in the hospital I can’t ask how my best friend is doing?” 

“I’d rather you worry about yourself,” replies Eddie. 

Buck rolls his eyes. “Not gonna happen.” He tries to shift again and is unable to hold back the whimper that escapes his throat when he moves his leg the wrong way. 

“Buck!” Christopher exclaims, hurrying off the chair. Eddie's phone clatters to the floor, but thankfully it isn't a tall drop. Eddie doesn't seem concerned about it, at least, despite the sympathetic wince Buck is unable to hold back. 

“Hey, buddy, I’m okay,” Buck tells him, once he’s sure his voice will come out even. “Just shifted wrong.” 

Christopher looks like he doesn’t believe him and proves it when he turns to Eddie with a worried look on his face. 

“Is he really okay?” Christopher asks. 

Buck makes an offended noise that he can’t stop in time. It sends Eddie chuckling, the first genuine smile he’s seen on Eddie’s face since he glanced up and saw the shattered way Eddie watched that homicidal teenager who almost killed him. It’s a nice look, and he allows himself the opportunity to watch it for a moment. 

“It’s a fair question, with you,” Eddie points out, voice still light. “I’ll help you sit up, you seem pretty uncomfortable.” 

Buck sighs in relief. “ _Please_. My back is killing me.”

“Be careful, Daddy,” warns Christopher, little voice packed with so much worry Buck feels a little guilty. 

“I will be, Chris,” Eddie assures him, a small quirk to his mouth, and holds out his arm for Buck to grab onto. Eddie helps him into a position so he’s at least 15% more sitting up than he had been moments ago. 

It’s good enough for him. 

“Thanks, man. I would ki -- _hug_ you right now if I thought I could move anymore,” Buck says, barely catching the slip. 

The last thing he needed to do was tell Eddie he’d kiss him in front of his son. That’s a disaster of catastrophic proportions waiting to happen, he’s sure of it. 

He expects Eddie to laugh at his joke -- which isn’t really a joke at all, now that he thinks about it; he wants nothing more than to be able to hug Eddie right now -- but the other man doesn’t. Before Buck can really process anything other than the rank smell of his pillows, Eddie’s leaning forward to gently wrap his arms around Buck’s shoulders. His grip is light as a feather, mindful of the scratches still healing on Buck’s face. 

It’s considerate and perfect and everything so very Eddie goddamn Diaz at his very core that Buck feels his eyes start to water again. 

“Sorry,” Eddie says. “I didn’t hurt you, did I? I’ve wanted to do that since…” 

Buck swallows. He’s grateful Eddie stopped himself from saying the words _‘since your leg was caught and pinned beneath a firetruck’_ out -loud. Even if it’s the truth, he’s not ready to hear it. 

Not yet. 

“No, that was nice,” Buck tells him. “Thank you.” 

“My turn!” Christopher cheers, smiling widely at both of them. “But I want to be closer to Buck.” 

Eddie seems to know immediately what his son means. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, bud.” 

Christopher pouts. Buck doesn’t know how Eddie keeps his expression neutral; whatever it is Chris is asking for, Buck for sure would have folded by now. 

“I’ll be careful.” 

Eddie blows out a breath, the fight in him going out along with it. He motions Christopher over to his side of the bed, where Buck’s good leg is in reach instead. He picks up Christopher when he’s close enough, settling him gently on the hospital bed. 

Buck smiles at both of them. 

Christopher takes that as permission to slide closer to him, wrapping his tiny arms around Buck’s shoulder as soon as he can. 

“I’m really glad you’re okay, Buck.” 

Buck’s heart hurts, seizing in his chest at how soft Christopher’s words are. He pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him. He doesn’t know how long they all stay like that, Eddie’s hand on Buck’s where it is rests on Christopher’s back, but eventually Eddie is pulling away to grab his phone off the floor. 

Christopher’s breathing has gone pliant and even, dead asleep where he’s nuzzled into Buck’s neck. 

“Thank you,” Buck whispers, and it is for Eddie’s ears only.

He thinks it might be time to think about why, how even after all of the people who have visited him, he’s only truly content after seeing Eddie. 

  
  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  
  


It's all he thinks about as he tries to fall asleep that night, long after Eddie and Christopher had taken their leave. 

The only thing he thinks about more is the ache lodged in his chest, the one that appeared the very moment they were no longer with him. 

He doesn't get much sleep that night. 

\---

Maddie brings him his phone charger the next morning.

Maddie helps him plug his phone in, making sure it's within reach so he can still use it should he need to. She stays with him all morning until her shift, leaving him with tear-filled eyes and a temple kiss while promising to come by to see him later. He had forgotten, how overprotective and worried she would get whenever he would get hurt, but it seems to have gone into overdrive here lately. He should probably tell her to stop, but he thinks she needs this as much as he does.

Still, by the time he thinks about it, it's a few hours later until he's able to check his messages and log into social media. 

Buck feels near _sucker-punched_ when he sees it. 

Eddie’s posted a picture to his Instagram (and his Facebook, when Buck finally gets around to checking it) of Christopher and him curled up on Buck’s hospital bed. Christopher’s face isn’t in the frame, but Buck’s is. He’s never seen a picture of himself where he looks so peaceful, and he makes a note to thank Eddie for not getting his injured leg in the picture, as that definitely would have tainted the affection that runs like a river through him now.

**eddie-diaz** _Some much needed snuggles were had with my son and (our) best friend._

Warmth and security and everything else he’s been avoiding thinking about when it comes to his best friend hound him until he has no choice but to listen. Eddie is his best friend and not, so much more wrapped in a single person Buck's not sure what to do with how big it all feels. He turns his attention back to his phone to try to get a grip, and he has to read the caption a few times before it really sinks in. When it finally does, he flushes so quickly he’s left a little light-headed. 

That is, at least, until he reads further and sees the comments. 

Then all he feels is the sweet and familiar grip of mortification.

_  
_**henhenrietta** frame this.  
 **howiehanhowie** Awww, shucks. Who knew our Buckaroo could be so peaceful and quiet?  
 **madbuckley** @henhenrietta I’m printing this, don’t worry, I’ll pass you a few copies.  
View all 25 comments  
  


Buck saves the picture before he can talk himself out of it. It’s a nice picture, one that makes his heart simultaneously lighter and heavier the longer he looks at it. Buck likes it, almost wishing he could like it again for good measure. 

Buck’s thumb hovers. 

He lasts all of twenty seconds before giving in. 

**buckwildbuck** @henhenrietta @madbuckley Mark me down for a copy too sis

Eddie likes the comment within five minutes. 


	4. iv. monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo! almost there. thanks for stickin with it, if you made it this far : D

**From: Eddie**  
Hey. 

Buck blinks at his phone. 

It’s been a few weeks since repairing their relationship. Buck has been back at the station full-time for just as long by now, and they’ve fallen back into their same old routine. Well, not _entirely_. Buck and Eddie haven’t found time to hang out outside of work more than a couple of times, and he hasn’t seen Christopher since before filing with the lawyer. 

Buck doesn’t think he’s in the position to tell Eddie how much he misses them both any more than he already has, so he dutifully keeps his mouth shut about it. Eddie is busy, Buck knows and more than that, something tells Buck it’s going to take time for Eddie to let him in again. 

Which is fine, of course. Buck will be here however long it takes. Though he does wish it would be sooner rather than later. He's never been the most patient man, and that's especially true with his relationships with those he cares about.

He slides his thumb across the screen, unlocking his phone so he can pull up his message tab with his best friend.

**To: Eddie**  
Hey, man. 

**To: Eddie**  
What’s up? 

Buck stops himself before he can type another question, and sighs. A few months ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated twice before sending Eddie a string of texts. Buck never thought it would be the small things he misses the most, but he supposes it really isn’t all that surprising when you think about it. The small things made the bigger things _bigger_ , made all of them make sense and mean more.

**From: Eddie**  
You busy tonight? 

Buck blinks, reads the message, and then rereads it another six times for good measure. 

The absolute last thing he expected to read is the very words staring right back at him. At this point, he doesn’t even care if this might lead to them having an actual conversation about everything. Buck knows while they covered the basics, they’re still keeping things from each other and he hates it. 

Granted, Buck definitely is holding onto more than Eddie, but schematics have never really been overly important to him. Why start now?

**To: Eddie**  
Not at all.

And then, he feels he really shouldn’t be blamed when he’s unable to stop himself from sending another message. If you ask him, he’s been strong about this for far longer than he anticipated already. 

**To:** **Eddie**  
Is everything okay? 

**From: Eddie**  
Yeah, man. Everything’s cool. Listen, have you heard about the children’s carnival in Pasadena? 

Buck sighs, willing himself not to get his hopes up about this. This is not an olive branch. It _can’t_ be. 

**To: Eddie**  
Uh, yeah. I think Maddie’s mentioned something about it. What about it? 

**From: Eddie**  
We wanted to know if you wanted to come with us. 

It is what he thinks it is. 

Hope, for the first time since hearing Eddie tell him he forgives him, blossoms to new life around his ribcage. Buck has never felt relief so strong before, and it causes his phone to drop in his lap for a few moments. 

When he picks his phone back up, he sees he has another message from Eddie waiting. 

He laughs. 

**From: Eddie**  
And yes, before you ask, I’m sure. We both want you there, okay? It’s been way too long. 

**To: Eddie**  
Okay, point made. :-P Count me in. Am I meeting you there? 

**From: Eddie**  
We’ll pick you up. How soon can you be ready? 

Buck feels like he’s entered an alternate timeline, a little bit, but hell if he’s going to voice his concerns _now_. He’s been itching to get out of his house lately and the thought of spending it with his favorite boys, well. Even after everything they’ve been through, that’s the best damn thing he’s heard in weeks. 

**To: Eddie**  
Give me 20. 

  
  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  


Exactly twenty minutes later, Buck hears Eddie pull into the driveway. 

Buck grabs his keys, double checks his pockets for his wallet and his phone, heading out the door within a few seconds. By the time he’s locked the door and made it outside his building, he can see Christopher’s excited face in the backseat, pressing his face excitedly against the glass so he can see Buck round the corner. 

His face explodes into the widest grin he’s ever seen the kid wear. Buck doesn’t even try to hide the way he beams back at him, eyes sliding over to Eddie, expecting to find hurt, anger, or anything else Eddie thinks he hides. To be fair, he seems to be the only one who notices that Eddie’s even acting differently at all, so he’s mostly getting away with it. 

Buck doesn't find any of that, though. Eddie's expression is guarded, for the most part, but he can't hide the pleased glint to his eye that always seems to be there whenever Buck and Christopher are with each other. Buck ducks his head on a smile and breathes a sigh of relief. They're going to be okay. 

He takes a steadying breath -- it can't hurt, after all -- and runs around to the passenger side so he can hop inside. 

“Buck! You’re here,” Christopher says, excitedly. Buck glances back at him, though the look on his face makes the blood previously thumping through his veins freeze. Eddie told him in the grocery store that Christopher missed him, but the awestruck wonder there right now would have told him everything he needed to know if he hadn’t. 

Christopher is looking at him, almost like he never thought he’d actually see Buck again. 

Why would he think differently? Buck gave him no indication he'd ever return.

Buck swallows, hoping Eddie hadn’t noticed. “Hey, buddy!” He exclaims. “Hey, Eddie. Thanks for inviting me along.” 

“I told Daddy you would say yes. He didn’t believe me.” 

That hurts, too, but Buck pushes it down. He must not hide it well enough, because Eddie rests a comforting hand on his shoulder. It brings him back to the hospital, to the delicate way Eddie had torn him open so earnestly the morning after the tsunami. It’s a look that, despite everything, he trusts. 

“It’s not like that,” Eddie tells him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hang out with me, after how many times I’ve turned the invite down lately.” 

Buck laughs, and if it’s a little watery then he trusts his company not to say anything about it. “Nope. It’s been… way too long. I missed you guys.” 

Eddie squeezes his shoulder once, letting his touch linger for a moment. He pulls away to put the car in reverse, but Buck’s skin is still warm long after. 

“We missed you, too,” Eddie answers. 

  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  


The carnival, when they arrive, is swarming with people. 

They buy their tickets at the front of the event, Christopher chattering excitedly when Eddie decides to spring for the bracelets for the three of them. Buck is glad Eddie’s focused on snapping Christopher’s on his wrist, as he can't see the blush that covers his cheeks. They both know Buck could have easily bought his own ticket, but he didn’t. Eddie _insisted_ on paying, which is something Buck knows he's going to think about for a few weeks at least.

“Thanks, man,” Buck says as he puts his on as well. “So, Chris, what do you wanna do first, little man?” 

Christopher thinks about it for a moment, eyebrows furrowing adorably in concentration. 

“I saw signs for a petting zoo at the front. I want to pet a llama.” 

Buck and Eddie laugh. 

“Why’s that?” they ask, almost in unison. 

Buck blushes, again, and this time he knows it’s noticeable to anyone who happens to glance at him, including his best friend. Sometimes they seem to almost share a brain, especially at work, so this is hardly the first time this has happened. But still, like everything about Eddie lately, realizations new and old hit differently. 

“I think they’re cool,” Christopher says. “I wonder if it’ll lick me.” 

Eddie shakes his head, fondly. “I don’t think that’s going to be the fun experience you think it will be, superman.” 

“It’s fun when dogs lick you. And cats, though that tickles more.” 

“He’s not wrong, Eddie,” Buck says, smirking a little. 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Not wanting animals to lick you isn’t wrong either, Buck.” 

“Then the llamas and other little critters can lick Chris and I and you can remain _over there_ , not surrounded by pure love and happiness.” Buck teases, bumping their shoulders together as they all make their way towards the carnival’s petting zoo area. 

"And soft cuddles!" Chris chirps.

“I didn’t invite you out with us so you could mock me, you know.” 

Buck smiles. “Nope. You invited me out here so Chris and I could mock you _together_ and bond over it.” 

That sends Christopher giggling at their feet again.

“My son would never turn against me like that.”

“I don’t know… maybe I just haven’t offered the right bribe, yet. Maybe ice cream will do the trick?” 

“Nope!” Christopher cheers, utterly delighted. "Daddy's more than that."

“Fine, Eddie, you win this one,” Buck says, and his heart does absolutely soar when Eddie knocks their shoulders together instead of replying, and when he finally convinces himself to look over at him once more, the smile on Eddie's face is unmistakable. 


	5. v. malfunction

Buck’s woken up by an incessant knocking on his door. 

He groans, for a moment, sure that he’s imagining it. He rolls over to try to fall back asleep, willing his body to cooperate with him for once. He has a double shift ahead of him and not nearly enough willpower or caffeine to process it even a little. The last thing Buck should be right now is awake, and whoever is at the door will just have to understand that. 

The pounding only gets worse. Buck groans, there’s no damn way he’ll be able to fall back asleep until he stops whoever is trying to body slam his door into oblivion. 

“I’m coming!” Buck calls, voice hoarse from sleep. He bounds down the stairs two at a time, jogging to his front door. He opens it without looking; he feels pretty good about his chances of it not being someone who is trying to kill or rob him. 

It’s Eddie. 

Buck isn’t expecting that, but it's nice to see him. It's always nice.

“Eddie?” Buck asks, looking at his best friend in surprise. 

There’s something different about Eddie, lately. Something he can’t put his finger on, but it’s as obvious as the bruises Eddie showed up with that no one seemed to notice except him. He doesn’t know what it means that Eddie is here as late as he is, but he steps aside to let him in regardless. As if he could ever do anything else.

“C’mon in, man.” 

Eddie follows him inside. Buck shuts the door behind him, turning to face him as he does. 

“Is everything okay?” Buck asks, mainly because he hasn’t said anything since arriving, and it’s kind of freaking Buck out. 

“I need to talk to you,” Eddie says, without preamble. Buck doesn’t know if its the lighting of the kitchen, or maybe the softness behind Eddie’s eyes he can’t quite hide anymore, but the man almost seems _nervous_. What would he have to be nervous about, here? This is Buck. That alone should be a comfort. 

“Oh, uh,” Buck says. “Okay. Is this a good talk or a bad talk?” 

“We should probably sit down for this,” answers Eddie, instead of acknowledging his question. 

Buck sighs, but nods, sitting on his couch beneath his loft and waits patiently for Eddie to catch up. The man does, a few moments later, sitting next to Buck. 

He’s not sitting nearly as close as Buck is used to. He thinks he might be sick with the possibility of what that single change alone could mean for them.

“Are you friend-breaking up with me?” Buck blurts out. 

Eddie’s head whips up to meet his gaze, startled. “What? Of course not, Buck.” 

“Oh, thank _God_ , man. You had me worried.” 

“But you might not hold the same sentiment, afterward,” Eddie mutters. He laughs at the raised eyebrow Buck directs at him. Buck doesn’t have to be told to guess how bitter it must taste. 

“Okay…” He trails off, dragging out the sound. 

“There’s something I haven’t talked to you about,” Eddie starts, words halting at first. The words are obviously difficult for him to say and maybe it’s in poor taste, but Buck can’t quite bring himself to offer the man an out. He _is_ pretty curious and for all he knows, Eddie might need to talk about this. 

“Yeah,” Buck says. They both know he noticed the moment he arrived there was something bothering Eddie. “Is -- is everything okay, with that?” 

Eddie laughs. “Not really. I should have told you this sooner. When you filed the lawsuit and we weren’t able to talk anymore, I did something really stupid.” 

Buck doesn't like the sound of that but bites back the assumptions that want to spring forward. It's better to hear it from Eddie first. 

“Oh?” 

“I got involved in street fighting, and within a few weeks I had moved into an underground ring.” 

Buck blinks at him. That -- street fighting, that is -- didn't even register on the Spectrum of Possibility of 'What-Was-Going-On-With-Eddie.' 

“ _What_?” he spits. 

Eddie doesn’t even try to hide his wince. “I know. I _know_. I’m an idiot, and hypocritical. I didn’t -- I was so lost, Buck. I had no idea what to do.” 

“You could have talked to me about this, Eddie. I would have helped you.” 

“You would have stopped me from being stupid sooner.” 

Buck stares at him. “Yeah. And?” 

“I didn’t -- no matter how ashamed I was about it, I knew my job was in jeopardy, everything was. But I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t know how to stop.” 

“Shit. I really should be mad at you.”

He does need to know something, though. He kneels in front of his best friend, sliding off the couch to rest a hand on his knee. They’ve never shied away from physical touch before, but he’s still nervous about it. It’s been a while since they’ve been able to indulge in this particular past routine. Eddie, thankfully, doesn’t push him away or so much as flinch, though, which makes his heart skip a few beats. 

“You can be mad all you want,” Eddie tells him. “I’m mad at myself, too. I -- I don’t know how bad it would have gotten if Bosko and her captain hadn’t gone to Bobby.” 

Buck raises an eyebrow, trying to keep his expression neutral but he can’t really help it. Though he’s on better terms with Lena than he had been when he’d first learned about her -- as it turns out, smashing shit with someone was a great way to bond even if you didn't want to -- hearing that Eddie was comfortable enough to clue her in but not _him_ hurts more than necessary. He knows it’s irrational, knows that Eddie has his reasons and despite being his best friend, Buck isn’t owed anything. 

But it still sucks, and he hates it. 

He can’t quite help himself either. 

“You told Lena about this?” Buck asks, unable to keep the hurt from his voice completely. 

Eddie falters, opening his mouth to reply and shutting it in the same breath. He looks almost like a fish out of water like this, which would be amusing if Buck hasn't been fighting back the bile steadily rising in his throat. 

“Buck…” Eddie says, voice raw, broken around the edges. 

Buck averts his gaze. “You don’t owe me anything, and I’m hardly able to get mad at you for keeping things from me,” Buck whispers. What a damn pair they made. “I just wish you would have known that I would have been there for you.” 

Eddie’s hand reaches out to cover Buck’s where it still rests on Eddie’s knee. His touch sends a jolt through Buck's body, an electric spark that lights up all his nerve-endings along the way. He's missed this, missed the easy way they used to touch each other, but not as much as the storm left in its wake. Buck doesn't stop himself from leaning into it. He couldn't possibly, not now.

“At first I didn’t tell you because we weren’t talking, and it was easier. Then… I didn’t want to put your job on the line with mine after you fought so hard to get it back. I didn’t want you to see me like that, either. Lena was safer. She introduced me in the first place, and I didn’t know her much, I still don't.” 

Buck’s hand clenches underneath Eddie’s, but he forces himself to breathe through it. Lena introduced him to it in the first place? Why on Earth would you introduce someone like Eddie (kind, gentle, sown back together again and again so many times you lost count of the fraying edges) to something so violent? Buck bites down on his lip as to not let out any of his racing thoughts slip through. 

“Why did she do that?” 

Eddie leans back against the couch when he realizes Buck isn’t about to bolt anymore. “I couldn’t talk to you, so I told her about Chris’ nightmares and how I was having a hard time dealing with them, how I wasn’t sure if therapy was working for him anymore. She got in my ear about alternative methods on controlling that kind of thing.” 

Buck is personally very proud of himself for not rolling his eyes at that. He hardly has the best experience with therapists, but they’re respected and recommended for a reason, Buck knows. A pang of guilt does go through him, though, at the reminder that the only reason Eddie followed Lena was that Buck had let him down first. 

Buck regularly doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions, and in the past, that was just fine by him. He hadn’t needed to worry about someone else back then, anyway, with not really having any permanent relationships or friendships, but now? Now that he’s managed to carve out a family for himself; he can’t afford to think like that anymore. 

Not for the first time, Buck thinks he should probably be furious at Eddie more than he’s actually feeling.

And he is, on some level. Buck _is_ mad, but holding onto that anger and nursing it doesn’t seem as important as he might have thought it would be. Eddie has definitely already heard all about how much he’s fucked up before now, it’s written plainly on his face, in the tense line of his shoulders. Buck isn’t about to open up his wounds some more, that’s not why he’s here. 

He glances at his best friend, sees Eddie watching him with apprehensive eyes like he’s expecting Buck to ream him a new one. Maybe under normal circumstances, he would have, but not now. Now, he squeezes the man’s thigh again. Buck wants to be there for him in any way he can be. He’ll make sure he is, this time. No matter what.

“That’s probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever done,” Buck tells him, bluntly, but his lips curve into a smile soon afterward. “I’m not going to yell at you about it, even though I know I probably should.”

"You're not?" Eddie asks, surprise coloring his tone.

"No. I think that doing it is stupid, but you already know that." 

"Yeah," Eddie whispers. "Tell me about it. That’s not even the worst part. Cap found out about it through Lena’s captain. I injured someone in a fight, bad enough I called dispatch. It's not something I'm proud of, Buck."

Buck blinks at him. _Eddie_? Eddie hurt someone bad enough to call dispatch. The words filter in and out of his brain meaninglessly for several moments before he’s finally able to process them. It doesn’t make sense; Eddie’s never been anything but gentle and teasing as long as Buck has known him. 

Just how long has his best friend been suffering without him knowing about it? 

Buck smiles at him, a little sadly. “I know you're not, Eddie. Is -- is the guy you injured okay?” 

Eddie laughs hollowly. “All things considered, yeah.” 

“Good,” Buck says. “Are -- do you still do it? You can be honest with me, Eddie. I just want to help you, man.” 

That’s all Buck wants to do in general, though he’s sure Eddie is aware of that by now. They have been best friends for quite a while, and sometimes he doesn’t think there’s a single person who knows him better than the man he's currently kneeling in front of.

“I’m getting help,” Eddie promises him. “Bobby made it clear I’d be out of a job if I went back there.” 

“Good,” Buck repeats, letting his hand stroke Eddie’s knee to soften the blow of his agreement. “I don’t want you to need to hurt yourself, Eddie. That’s no way to live, and you deserve better than that.” 

“Buck…” 

“I know things have been weird between us for a while now, but I -- you’re my best friend, man. I’m always going to be here for you. All you had to do was call, you know? Even with the lawsuit. I would have dropped everything to help you. No questions asked.” 

Eddie looks like he wants to say something to that, but for a long time, he doesn’t. Buck can see his jaw clenching, the bob of his Adam’s apple as he tries to control whatever reaction he’s trying to force down. The urge to hold him, even just a little, becomes even stronger for a moment. 

“I didn’t know that then, but I do now. I should have known, Buck. I was just so angry. I'm still so angry. I didn’t know how to stop being like this and I think maybe I still don’t." 

Buck strokes his knee, and hopes, foolishly, that Eddie continues to let him do it. It's nice, comforting someone he loves with his own hands. It makes him feel productive, _useful,_ deserving, maybe, of Eddie's admission.

“Why?” Buck asks. 

“I’ve been running from things since before I left for the war,” Eddie starts, averting his gaze from Buck’s for the first time that night. “I never stopped. Shannon and I… We got married really young. She got pregnant before I even figured out we weren't right for each other. I was barely a month into my second tour when I received the letter from her telling me the news." 

Buck whistles. Though they're best friends, (most of) his past with Shannon and his time in the army are all things they very firmly Do Not Talk About. Buck figured Eddie kept it locked tight for a reason, and he's never felt entitled to the other man's secrets like that. Oh, how he wants to, though. 

He _wants._ Buck wants to know everything about him.

"Did you even want kids?" 

Eddie bites his lip. "I never didn't want them. But I don't think I could have ever imagined myself as a father before that moment." He admits this softly, like this without question automatically makes him a bad one. Buck doesn't know how to tell him that's the farthest from the truth in a way Eddie will believe him. 

He tries anyway.

"That doesn't mean anything."

Eddie shakes his head. "When she told me, it felt like my life crashed right in front of me. I could have requested a job on base after my second tour ended. I should have, I know that. Instead, I reenlisted with my platoon and tried to self-congratulate myself about my service like I wasn’t doing it for all the wrong reasons." 

Buck bites his lip. "Can I ask you something?"

Eddie meets his gaze. "Anything."

"Why didn't you go back home?" 

"Wow, you don't pull any punches, do you, Buck?" asks Eddie, more than a little breathless. 

"You don't have to ans--" 

Eddie cuts him off. "No, I should tell you. I want to," Eddie assures him. It sounds a lot like he _needs_ to instead, but Buck is smart enough this time not to ask him about it. 

"Okay."

“My CO must have arranged for me to be home when Chris was born. Chris... he was a high-risk pregnancy. I don’t know how they pulled the strings, but I just barely made it into the hospital room to hold her hand through it.” 

Buck whistles. “Wow. That must have been amazing, yeah?” 

“It was amazing,” Eddie says, and the smile that takes over his face leaves Buck breathless for a long moment. “I never knew I could love someone so much until I held him for the first time. He instantly became my entire world.” 

“See? You had nothing to worry about, man.” Buck comments, and this time his tone is thick from the _love_ on Eddie's face. 

Eddie shakes his head, expression darkening. “I was, still am, _terrified_.” 

“That’s completely normal, dude,” Buck says. “Every parent worries they're screwing their kid up. Chris is -- he’s _incredible_ , and yeah, most of that is him, but some of that is you, too. He adores you, man. You might be terrified but your kid doesn’t think of you that way, so you must be doing something right.” 

“How do you know so much about being a parent?” Eddie asks, though instead of sounding suspicious like one would expect, his voice is full of nothing other than affection. 

“Mostly Maddie,” Buck admits. “She did a bunch of research on parents and all that when we were younger. Our parents… weren’t always around back then, and she wanted to try to understand them and their motivations. Not that it ever mattered, they didn’t care about much more than money and their own image. Still don’t, mostly.” 

This is the first time he’s talked about his parents in so long he honestly couldn’t remember when the last time was. He doesn’t even think he’s talked with Maddie about them since she’s been back. Other than her request to keep them in the dark, which was never in question with Buck anyway. 

Not like he speaks to them, he hasn't for years.

“Buck…” 

He shakes his head, waving him off with a genuine smile. “No, man. This isn’t about me. I'm just saying that I get it, you know? I know what it’s like to have parents who aren’t what you need. I know I’m not here all the time,” Buck pauses, hoping Eddie doesn’t notice the waiver in his voice as he says it. "You are so far from my parents. I know now what I experienced shouldn't be and _isn't_ the norm. You go so beyond the norm for your son, Eddie. There's nothing you need to worry about here."

Eddie lets out a shaky breath, shoulders relaxing minutely after a few moments. Buck wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around his best friend to comfort him, but grasping his knees like this is the second-best thing, and going by the way that Eddie's death-gripping his own, they're going to be busy for a while. 

"He was barely six months old when my contract was up," Eddie says, glancing down at where their hands are still clasped tightly on his knee. He then flicks his gaze to Buck's face. If he didn't know any better, Buck would almost think he was searching for signs of discomfort. "I had the choice of applying to a job on base, voiding my contract, or signing on for another eighteen-month tour." 

"That's when you did your final tour, isn't it?" 

Eddie hangs his head in shame. "Yeah. I ran away, of course, I ran away. Shannon was so angry with me and I convinced myself I hadn't done anything wrong by choosing to fight more for my country but... she was right. She was right and I still blamed her for leaving us when I got back home." 

"You can both be wrong _and_ right," Buck reminds him, soothingly. 

Eddie makes a face. 

"Maybe." 

"Look," Buck says, and waits until Eddie raises his gaze again to meet his eyes again. "You made mistakes. Shannon made mistakes. No one ever said that being responsible for another life was going to be easy, but you love your son, and you try. I believe you said to me a few months ago that was all that matters." 

"I don't think those were my exact words, Buck," Eddie argues, but the quirk to his mouth is unmistakable and so very welcome Buck almost kisses him. 

"You implied it," Buck says. "And I know it's what you were really trying to say, Eddie."

"Maybe. But it still doesn't feel like it's enough. I'm still terrified. Most days I still have no idea what I'm doing."

“That kid was always going to adore you. You’re always going to be enough because he’s enough for you,” Buck tells him because Eddie _has_ to know that and he'll spend all damn night repeating it if he has to. There’s no way the man can’t know how great of a father he is. “You have to forgive yourself for not being there for him in the beginning, Eddie.” 

Eddie stares at him in astonishment. Buck doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve to be looked at like that; has no one told him before?

“I don't know if I _can_ but I’m not -- I’m not about to give up on him, Buck.” 

“I know,” Buck says. “Neither will I. And for the record, man? Christopher has a father who loves him unconditionally and does everything in his power to make sure he grows up happy. Your son has exactly the father he deserves. He has a great one.” 

Buck’s little speech has seemed to render his best friend speechless. Buck’s always been the one who talks the most out of the two of them, but he’s pretty sure going by the look on his face, Eddie couldn’t speak right now even if he wanted to. Buck hopes he didn’t step out of line, he knows he probably sounded like an idiot even if he didn’t. It’s not like he was about to sit there idly while Eddie did his best to slander his own character. 

“Wow,” Eddie breathes. “God, Buck. How are you even real?” 

Buck furrows his brows, and the minute puddle of dread has deepened to a pond in the pit of his stomach. “Was that too much?” 

“Not even remotely,” Eddie assures him. “You always know what to say, when it really matters.” 

Buck laughs it off, hoping his discomfort doesn’t show on his face. 

“That just comes with the territory of being best friends, man.” 

Eddie shakes his head. “You really believe that?” he asks. 

Of course, he doesn’t. Buck’s never felt this way about a friend before, he knows he’s long past the friend’s stage with Eddie, in fact he's not sure he was ever there, to begin with. 

“Trust me, man. You don’t want me to answer that.” 

“What if I do?” Eddie challenges. “Are you going to avoid the question altogether?”

Buck knows Eddie doesn’t want to know the answer to this question but that alone doesn’t exactly give him the strength to deny his request. Eddie _is_ asking. It’s not Buck’s fault if he’s not going to like what he finds, right? 

Even when this ends badly, he'll have the encouragement and proof he's needed for months to finally move on. If Eddie doesn't kick him out of his life first, that is.

“I think I’m kind of in love with you,” Buck says. “So, uh. Beyond friends.” 

Eddie doesn’t shy away from him like Buck expects him to. Eddie doesn’t move at all, actually, at least not for the first few seconds. His eyes are wide, unblinking, mouth hanging open attractively (though everything Eddie does is attractive to Buck, so he’s probably a bit biased) and looking every inch like his higher thinking has completely crashed. 

The picture, as nice as it is, does nothing to calm the nerves swirling around in Buck’s stomach. He braces himself for the inevitable, the declaration from Eddie that he doesn’t return his feelings, but thanks anyway. Buck usually doesn’t get so nervous expressing interest in someone, but he’ll be the first to admit this blew past interest a long time ago. He's never had so much on the line, either.

Buck doesn’t know what he’ll do if Eddie actually says no to him. At least Maddie will be happy to provide him with as much wine as he needs to get through the rejection.

“Eddie?” Buck asks, once it’s clear that Eddie doesn’t have the current faculties _still_ to say anything by himself.

“Did I hear that correctly?”

Buck can’t help but laugh at the awed quality to Eddie’s voice. Is there really a chance, here, that Eddie has been feeling the same way Buck has? While it’s true he hasn’t pushed Buck away yet, he’s obviously still processing. Eddie’s not homophobic by any measure, but he supposes it’s different when your best friend comes on to you. Probably not the best decision Buck could have made here. He can always blame his impulsivity later if he has to.

“Depends. What did you hear? ‘Cause if you heard that I’m in love with you, then yeah, man, you did.” 

Eddie’s breath leaves him so harshly that Buck _swears_ he can hear it; feel it, almost. Within one stolen breath and the next, Eddie is pressing forward until he’s close enough to lean their foreheads together. The tension Buck’s been carrying around since his confession spills out of him as soon as their skin makes contact. 

“Here I was working up the courage to confess but of course you beat me to the punch.” 

Buck can’t help the shudder that goes through him at Eddie’s words and he doesn’t think anyone would be able to blame him for burrowing further into his warmth. He chokes on a sound that’s caught between a laugh and a sob, his hands quaking where they still rest clutched in Eddie’s own. 

“I -- Is this what this was all about?” Buck asks, maybe a tad incredulously. 

“Possibly,” Eddie says. “Definitely. I was almost there.” 

Buck grins. “You could still confess. You know, if you’d like.”

“Oh, can I now?”

“Yup. I think I deserve to hear a confession as well since I put myself out there first and everything. That was really hard for me, as I’m sure you can imagine.” 

“Evan Buckley, having trouble putting himself out there? That doesn’t sound on brand at all,” Eddie tsks. 

Buck rolls his eyes, pulling away slightly so he can get a better look at Eddie’s face. Something tells him it’s important. Or maybe he’s just tired of not being able to see it, despite how nice the shared intimacy is. “You’re not just anyone, man. I didn’t -- I _still_ don’t want to screw this up.” 

Eddie’s expression softens, smooths over into something so sweet Buck can’t even bear to look at it. 

“You could never screw anything between us up,” Eddie assures him, voice as tender as his gaze. Buck feels flayed open, he feels all of the remaining layers of himself he painstakingly hides start to crumble into dust. 

“You say that now,” Buck says, a teasing edge to his tone despite his honesty. 

Eddie, who seems to have been unable to keep his hands off of him since Buck’s confession, lets his hand slide up to cradle the side of Buck’s face. His hand is soft, but calloused, sending goosebumps breaking out over his exposed forearms. Buck flushes underneath the attention; it takes every last ounce of restraint to keep himself from tasting him. 

Buck wants to hear it, though. So he keeps refraining. 

“I mean it, Buck. There’s nothing you could do to push me away. Not anymore. You’re everything to me. Everything to Christopher. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

Buck swallows, leaning into Eddie’s hand, and before he can talk himself out of it, he presses a chaste kiss to the curve of Eddie’s palm. 

Eddie doesn’t immediately recoil, or at all, really, so Buck figures he’s probably telling the truth about coming over here to lay everything out on the line. 

“I love you,” Buck whispers, and if the reason for that is not trusting his voice, then that’s no one’s business but his own. 

Eddie _finally_ , blessedly, thankfully, kisses him. Buck isn’t expecting it, even though his eyes tracked every single movement, so he should have. Buck will blame the daze from the love of his life -- and that’s what Eddie is, isn’t he? -- confessing requited feelings for the lapse in judgment. Buck pulls Eddie closer, letting his fingernails scrape their way across his best friend’s scalp and on the second pass over, Eddie’s mouth opens on a gasp. 

Buck slips his tongue into Eddie’s mouth, swallowing the groan that falls into his mouth at the tease. Buck is helpless -- always is, when it comes to Eddie, and he hopes he always will be -- to push forward and inch his tongue into Eddie’s mouth. Eddie comes to life underneath him, meeting Buck for every single inch he gives, and while Buck would like to think he’s no stranger to intense makeout sessions, he’s never been so fully taken apart like this before. 

It’s like Eddie already knows exactly the way he ticks, knows where to press and push like this isn’t the first time they’ve explored each other at all. It’s intoxicating, grabbing hold of Buck so thoroughly he doesn’t have time to really process it. Not that he particularly _wants_ to, anyway. Processing leaves less time for experiencing and he'll be damned if he doesn't hang onto this moment for as long as he possibly can.

He’s kissing Eddie for the first time and definitely not the last if he has anything to say about it. He pulls the slightly shorter man into his lap, unable to take the distance between them any longer. Buck absolutely needs to feel every inch of him pressed against him like this. He wants to crawl inside every nook that hasn’t yet been filled and beg for absolution.

“Buck,” Eddie rasps, pulling away. That’s less than ideal, especially for his dick, which has already started taking more than a little interest in their kissing. It’s disappointing, but Eddie doesn’t slide off his lap, either, which helpfully lessens the blow. “Fuck. You’re going to be the death of me.” 

Buck doesn’t allow Eddie to pull much farther away before he’s pressing another kiss to his lips, this one is sweet, controlled, and melts into the next impossibly gooey kiss. Buck can easily do this for hours. 

Eddie, of course, has other ideas. 

“I love you,” Eddie says, but this time when he pulls away he makes sure to stay that way. Buck didn’t have to hear him say it, to _know_ , but he can’t deny it’s not nice. 

Buck smiles. “Yeah,” he whispers, besotted and fond and all of the gross things Buck 1.0 would have rolled his eyes at in private. He leans in for another kiss, though Eddie stops him with a finger to his chest. 

Rude. 

“Wait. I need to know you know what this means,” Eddie says, though it comes out more like a question. “It’s not just me, here, B--” 

“Dude, no offense, but I adore Chris most days way more than you. I would never -- you know I would never do anything that would cause him harm, right? As much as I want this with you, if Christopher doesn’t approve, I’ll step aside.” 

Eddie, for some reason, looks surprised. Buck is so busy trying to decide if he should be offended by that or not that he almost misses the reverent look that’s taken over Eddie’s face in the meantime. 

This time, it’s Eddie that closes the distance between their lips. Buck doesn’t even try to hide the way he shivers. 

“Hell, Buck. How did we ever manage to find you?” Eddie says, and his hands are suddenly on Buck’s face, cradling both of his cheeks in his grip like he is everything precious. 

Buck, who cannot remember the last time he felt even remotely so, tries very hard not to cry. 

He lets out a laugh that is uncomfortably close to a sob, but otherwise manages to keep it together. “I think we have Bobby’s persistence in getting you to join the 118 to thank for that,” he says. 

Eddie laughs. 

“Yeah,” Eddie whispers. “Plus the little tantrum you through when I first arrived, that definitely caught my attention.” 

Buck flushes underneath Eddie’s touch. “Dude, that’s not fair. I was going through a lot at the time.” 

“Sure,” Eddie agrees, tone bright with happiness and a hint of a tease. 

“You know, just ‘cause we’ve kissed a little doesn’t mean you can be even meaner to me than usual,” Buck points out, pouting. “I mean, you should at the very least ask me out first. It’s only customary, Eddie.” 

“Hm,” Eddie hums, which usually means he’s either about to be an asshole or stupidly charming. “I figured you’d want to be the one to ask me since you’re such a go-getter in the ring and all.” 

Buck narrows his eyes. “You trying to tell me I’m not worth a little romance, Diaz?” 

“I showed up at your house in the middle of the night to confess my love to you, Buck. What’s more romantic than that?” 

He squawks. 

“That doesn’t count, Eddie. _I_ confessed first since you took too long.” 

“Cut me off, more like.” 

“Keep being mean to me and I might just never leave.” 

“Sounds like my plan is working, then,” Eddie comments. Buck leans into the next kiss Eddie gifts him with, and for _several_ moments Buck loses himself again in the rhythm of Eddie’s adoration. 

“You could try asking,” Buck says once they pull away. “I take it you’ve talked to Christopher about this already, uh, I mean. If you’re being serious about this.” 

“He told me he wanted you to move in with us, after the tsunami,” Eddie confesses. 

Buck’s at a loss, for a moment. “What?” 

“He told his therapist as much, too, during their first session together. Said he was worried about you, wanted us to keep an eye out.” 

“You never told me that.” 

“After the tsunami, almost losing Christopher and you… it messed me up for a while. I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I almost lost people who meant the world to me. _Again_.” 

Buck leans in to pull Eddie into a hug, wrapping him so tightly in his warmth that he can feel the frantic rate of Eddie’s heartbeat like it's his own. “I didn’t want Chris to catch on, but I was so worried we wouldn’t find our way back to you.” 

“You did,” Eddie says. Buck can feel the wetness of Eddie’s tears coating his neck, hell, maybe even some of them are his own. He wouldn’t be surprised, Buck can feel the slickness on his own cheeks now. “You always do.” 

“I will, Eddie. For as long as I can, I’ll never leave you or Chris behind. I swear.” 

Eddie pulls back enough to meet Buck’s eyes. “We’ll follow.” 

Buck grins at him, laughing a little once the reality of Eddie’s words sink in. That’s as much of a declaration of commitment as he’s ever heard. “Then yes.”

“Yeah?” Eddie confirms, eyes twinkling. 

“Yeah, Eddie. I’ll move in with you guys. I don’t want to be anywhere else.” 


	6. one: christmas spirit (remix)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here's the end! this is really the only super 'non canon compliant' chapter, since it's a remix on the christmas episode we got. 
> 
> thank you so much for bearing with me and reading this! 
> 
> let me know what you thought if you read! ;w;/

It’s been three months since the night Eddie showed up on his doorstep. 

Buck will be the first to admit he’s completely lost track of the time that has passed, so deliriously happy that all of the days and weeks and months have all blurred into one another. Buck ended up moving in two days after Buck agreed to move in with Eddie and Christopher, but truthfully it almost feels as if they never lived any other way, to begin with. Buck’s never felt so completely comfortable, comfortable enough that he no longer calls the small cottage they pull up to ‘Eddie’s’ but rather _home_. 

Buck never thought that would be something in the cards for him. 

But here it is. He owns the whole damn deck at this point. 

“Hey,” Eddie whispers in his ear as he sneaks behind Buck to snake one of those strong arms around Buck’s waist. “What’s got you thinking so hard over here, hm? If it’s math maybe you should give it up.” 

Eddie’s voice is dripping in the easy, sarcasm-dipped teasing they’ve always defaulted to. But now he can sense the affection and love lighting up Eddie’s words until it’s all Buck can hear. Buck makes a play at being annoyed, but he’ll admit to anyone who will listen that he leans back into his boyfriend’s touch anyway.

“You’re so mean to me. Why do I put up with this again?” Buck asks through a grin. 

“I believe it was one of your requirements to move in with me. I’m only filling the quota,” teases Eddie. Buck rolls his eyes but tilts his head to the side to allow Eddie to nuzzle into his neck like he knows he’s going to. “I was thinking we could take Christopher to the mall tonight. To see Santa, like last year.” 

Buck feels gooey warmth spread throughout his entire body at the fact that Eddie wants him there again. It should probably be obvious, by now, with them living together as a family, but Buck’s not about to assume, here. Not with Eddie; not anymore. 

“We do have the day off tomorrow. Maybe we can go out for dinner while we’re there? Christopher has been going on and on about this burger place one of his friends at school told him about.” 

Eddie presses a searing kiss to Buck’s pulse point. “I love that you remember things like that. Chris does too.” 

“I don’t know whether to be offended at your lack of faith or smug at being able to surprise you.” 

“Both?”

Buck hums in acknowledgment, turning around in Eddie’s grip, pressing a welcoming kiss to the corner of Eddie’s grin. It’s been a few hours since Buck left the station at the end of his shift, and it’s nice to be around him again like this. Buck can hear Christopher watching cartoons and doing his homework in the living room, the humming buzz of the TV a comfortingly domestic background noise. 

“How was the rest of your shift?” 

“Uneventful,” Eddie replies. “Though Chimney did invite us over for dinner next week for an early Christmas celebration with your sister.” 

Buck grins. “You told them we’re already down, right?” 

“Of course.” 

“I’m sure Chris will be happy to see Chim again and ask if he has any new scars to talk about,” Buck says, smiling a little. “I know you just got home but we should leave soon to avoid the incoming traffic of disgruntled fathers and overzealous soccer moms.” 

Eddie’s eyes are so fond Buck _has_ to lean in to kiss him again.

“Let’s get a move on, then. Christopher is hardly going to be able to contain himself when we tell him the news.” 

Buck grins, childlike glee and excitement coloring it. “I might just have to record it,” he says. 

He follows the sound of Eddie’s laughter into the living room, phone at the ready.

  
  
  
  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  
  


Buck does end up recording it. Christopher’s squeals of excitement are infectious, and he finds himself sending the video to their firehouse group chat with the caption ‘ _thanks for the day off tomorrow, cap, we just made the little man’s night :).’_ Buck hardly has to wait a few seconds before the chat is flooded with cooing messages. 

Typical. 

Buck loves every second of it. 

  
  
  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  


The mall is bustling with activity when they get there. 

Buck knows the route to Santa from last year and easily leads Eddie and Christopher along. They’ve decided to see Santa first, partly due to Chris’ impatience, but mostly so Christopher doesn’t get any food from dinner on his nice clothes. They’re all relatively dressed up, despite the fact that the little man is the only one being photographed today. It makes them feel more together.

Much like last year, Christopher insists on going up there by himself. Eddie seems more amused than anything by it, and they happen to find themselves back at that same spot in front of the fountain. It’s weird, for Buck to really think about how much things have changed since the last time they sat in this very spot. And not just in the status of their relationship, but in general. As he watches Christopher wait in line, looking back at them every few minutes to giggle and wave excitedly, Buck has to wonder if the blossoming love in his chest is what it feels like to see your kid for the first time. 

That’s _exactly what_ it feels like. Even though he has no claim to Christopher, he’s just fine remaining Buck to him for the rest of his life if that’s all the kid is comfortable with, he swears. But Buck… well. He can’t ignore the paternal instinct that sprouts forward whenever he glances at him now. The one that's been there for way longer than he'll ever acknowledge. 

“This feels all types of deja vu right now,” Buck says around a smile. He reaches into his pocket for his phone and glances at Eddie. Eddie has that same smile on his face that he did last year, only he’s still wearing it when he glances over to lock gazes with Buck, too. 

Buck loves him so much. He never knew what his heart was actually capable of, not until Eddie stumbled into his life. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, finally. “But I think this year is better.” 

Buck thinks so too but wasn’t sure if it was alright to say so. 

They both have their phones out to record the bounce in Christopher’s step as he sees he’s the next kid in line. Buck laughs, bumping his shoulder into Eddie’s, pressing their thighs together and tells himself it’s because of the slight chill in the air. 

“I’m glad we could do this again this year,” Buck says. “Thank you for inviting me, again.” 

Eddie averts his gaze from Christopher again, but this time he lets his gaze on Buck linger. His hazel-brown eyes are light with affection and mirth at seeing his son so happy and it makes Buck’s heart quake. 

“Why wouldn’t you be here?” Eddie asks, and yeah, okay, maybe Buck kind of deserves the now incredulous glint in his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“It still… hasn’t sunk in yet, Eddie,” Buck admits, biting his lip a little. Christopher looks back at them and he (thankfully) doesn’t have to even think about smiling back at him. Buck may have stuck his foot in his mouth, but he’s not about to dampen Christopher’s good mood. “I don’t want you to regret placing your love with me.” 

Eddie cups the bottom of his phone to hopefully minimize the chance of the device picking up on their conversation, tilting his head within the same breath to press a kiss to Buck’s cheek. 

“Regret doesn’t even factor into how I feel about you, Buck. It never has. You and Chris are everything to me. I want you both by my side as long as I can keep you.” 

Buck leans into Eddie and sighs. “I don’t see keeping us ever being a problem. We love you.” 

Eddie kisses him again, though this time it’s on his lips. It’s quick but it still undoes him, leaving Buck shivering from the weight of Eddie’s mouth claiming his. 

Buck smiles at him. While they’re certainly no stranger to being affectionate with each other, kisses in public are still few and far in between. Buck doesn’t mind, though. He hasn’t felt the urge to show intimacy like that in public with Eddie, though it does have its own appeal. 

Being with Eddie, like this, building a life together… that’s all Buck needs. 

“Just how long do you think his list is?” Buck asks, raising an eyebrow. Whatever it is Chris is asking for, it’s clearly something he’s passionate about. 

“I don’t think we even want to know,” Eddie laughs. “Luckily, though, he’s a pretty easy kid to please. I hope you’re prepared for how hectic shopping for him is going to be.” 

Buck smirks. “We got this, babe. I’m pretty great at picking out presents, plus I’m a _master_ at hiding them, too.” 

“Is that so? Even from determined nine-year-olds?” Eddie asks. 

"Yep. I'll even let you in on a few of them," Buck winks, and he's about to say more before Eddie's putting his phone back into his pocket.

They get up from their seats when they see a very familiar-looking elf walk carefully behind Christopher. She lets Christopher make the way down on his own, which he recognizes from last year. His cheeks flush far more than they have any right to when he realizes it's _her_. The one elf that pulled him aside while Eddie carried Christopher to the food court for dinner.

Buck stays a little farther back like he did a year ago, the same ridiculous, lovestruck smile on his face as he watches the way Christopher burrows into Eddie’s arms. Buck’s heart feels three sizes too big for his chest, but it's a welcome ache by now, an ache that heals as much as it takes.

“Come on, superman. Let’s go get Buck some dinner before he gets cranky,” Eddie whispers, conspiring to Christopher, just to be annoying. 

Buck waits until Christopher is looking at him to stick his tongue out like a child at his boyfriend. It’s worth it for the way Christopher giggles into Eddie’s chest, and not for the first time, Buck is struck stupid by how right this all feels. 

Unlike last year, though, he sees the elf start to approach them before Eddie has already turned away. 

“You two have an adorable son together,” She says. “Thanks for coming out again this year.”

Eddie turns towards the new voice, a polite smile on his face. Buck, however, is struck frozen. It was easier, a year ago, when Eddie was already gone, to let himself indulge in fantasy. But with Eddie here, it’s not like he can claim Christopher as their son. That’s not his decision to make, it never was, and he feels a retroactive wave of guilt slam into him at the realization. 

Eddie’s smile turns softer, eyes glittering from the Christmas lights strung above them. “Thanks. We’d like to think so as well, but it’s nice to hear it’s not just our own bias talking,” Eddie replies, indulgent and teasing. 

Buck finds himself still standing there for a few moments after Eddie starts to walk away. He tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything, Eddie probably didn’t want to deal with the uncomfortableness of correcting a stranger. Was it even possible for Eddie to feel the same about that, as he did? 

Buck didn’t want to hope, but he’s also learned not hoping and Eddie don’t really go hand-in-hand when it comes to Buck. 

“Come on!” Christopher calls, once he catches sight of Buck still lagging behind. Buck laughs, shoving his hands into his pocket, and not unlike a year ago, turns back to the elf and grins at her. “Happy holidays, ma’am,” he says, and skips off after his boys. 

  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
  
  


It’s only after they’ve arrived home with Christopher in bed for the night that Buck allows himself to dwell on it again. 

They’re on the couch, watching some movie on Netflix that Buck had been excited to see for months but couldn’t pay attention to right now if someone paid him. All he can think about is the elf earlier, that very same one that left Buck flustered and hopeful, and Eddie’s response. Eddie hadn’t denied it. He hadn’t necessarily confirmed it, either, but that small detail isn’t important. 

He can hear Eddie chuckling against him where they’re pressed shoulder to shoulder, waist to waist, but can’t bring himself to join in with him. 

_Our son_. 

It’s repeating at the back of his head, clawing its way into the softest parts of Buck’s resolve. He knows, he knows _himself_ , and knows there’s only a matter of time before he inevitably asks Eddie about it. Hell, he can feel it on the tip of his tongue now, even. 

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, and the warm press of Eddie’s lips on his temple brings him back to the present. 

Buck sighs. “Sorry,” he says. 

“Don’t be,” Eddie tells him. “Today was exhausting.” 

“Yeah…” he trails off. 

Eddie pulls away far enough so they can meet eyes. The furrow between his brow means that Eddie is worried, which also means Buck isn’t getting out of this until he talks about it. Wonderful.

“Unless there’s something else bothering you?” 

Buck shakes his head. “Nothing’s _bothering_ me, Eddie.” 

“Then what’s got your attention? You know you can tell me if you want to.” 

“Earlier, at the mall,” Buck begins, waiting for Eddie’s nod to continue. He might as well get this over with. “Why -- why didn’t you correct her?” 

Eddie raises an eyebrow, expression smoothing over from faint amusement. “That’s what’s got you so quiet?”

Buck, of course, immediately backtracks.

“I know, it’s stupid, it doesn’t--” 

“No, Buck,” Eddie cuts him off, though his voice is as gentle as he is when waking Christopher from a nightmare. “Why would I correct her? Did you want me to?” 

“What?” Buck’s voice cracks when he asks, which is embarrassing. “No, it wasn’t that. I… I didn’t want to make assumptions.” 

Eddie sighs, but it doesn’t sound tired. If anything it sounds almost _fond_ like he thinks Buck’s inability to talk about his feelings sometimes is _charming_. It makes Buck feel pretty damn lucky. 

“I should have known you would have to hear it,” Eddie says, following his words up with the sweetest kiss that makes Buck feel like a teenager again. 

Buck pouts at him. “Eddie…” 

Eddie takes his face in his hands, which is something Buck’s noticed over the last few months that he does when he wants Buck to really understand something. It’s cute. Buck fears sometimes his body isn’t equipped to deal with how full his heart feels whenever he’s around him like this.

“I didn’t correct her because Christopher _is_ our son,” Buck’s chest feels tight, tighter than its ever felt. “He’s been talking about asking you, actually.”

Buck doesn’t even know what kind of sound he makes at that. He’s pretty sure he knows what Eddie means, but he can’t stop himself from asking anyway. To confirm, of that’s all. “Ask me what?”

Eddie blows out a laugh, thumbs moving in a calming motion along Buck’s cheekbone. 

“If you’d be okay if he started calling you his other dad,” Eddie says, and Buck really hopes Eddie knows he’s about to start crying. 

“Oh,” Buck whispers, eyes wide. “ _Oh_. You’re okay with that?” 

Eddie smiles. “Why wouldn’t I be? Buck, the other day we talked about getting married. This really shouldn’t be that surprising to you,” he points out, voice gently teasing. 

Yes, Buck thinks, he probably shouldn’t be as surprised as he is about this. It seems a little more obvious in retrospect. 

“Fair point,” Buck says, laughing. He slides in close, kissing Eddie and pulling his boyfriend closer as he tilts his head for a better angle. He doesn’t know how long they sit there, exchanging spit and staggering breaths, but when they pull away he has to close his eyes. He knows if he doesn’t he won’t be able to control himself from taking this farther than he’s comfortable with when Christopher could walk out at any second. 

When he opens them, Eddie’s lips are still bruised and his eyes are dark, but Buck finds the strength to drag Eddie to his feet. 

“You know,” Buck starts, conversationally. He leads them away from the couch, hands tight and wanting as they roam over Eddie's side. “I actually spoke to that elf last year, too.” 

Eddie, who has up until now been staring at his lips, meets his eyes with a startled laugh. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Buck says, both of them stifling silent laughter as they stumble their way down the hall. They quiet when passing Chris’ room, hearing nothing but the comforting blanket of his white-noise machine, before pouring themselves into their bedroom. Buck’s pressing Eddie into their door as soon as they’re through it. “She told me the same thing.”

“Oh?” Eddie asks, voice dripping in interest. He doesn’t look upset, or even really that surprised, and for the first time, Buck wonders if maybe Eddie had been close enough to hear her. Or maybe that’s just how well he knows him. 

“Mhm,” Buck hums, and since Eddie isn’t pushing him away, he uses his position as leverage to pin Eddie’s hands to the door with a smug smirk. “Yeah.” 

“While I appreciate your honesty, talking about someone else isn’t really my idea of seducing you.” 

“Oh? Is that what you‘re doing, hm? Only one of us is doing the seducing here, Eddie, and that’s me.”

“Sure,” Eddie allows, distractedly, silencing whatever half-hearted tease that had been building in Buck’s throat with a kiss.

Buck melts into the kiss with a smile, and finally, _fully_ , lets himself believe this; in love and being loved in turn. 

**Author's Note:**

> these boys.,.,,.,.,.,.., these boys!!! 
> 
> thank you for reading :-) please let me know what you think!!! 
> 
> i am super sorry about the delay with the next chapter of my multichaptered fic, needless to say life has been kicking my ass lately but now that this fic is finished and posted, i will be hopefully churning out the next chapter for you guys either tonight or tomorrow :) thank you so much for your patience and comments on all my fics thus far, you have NO idea what it's done for my muse, i am honestly considering printing all of them out lol. 
> 
> title taken from 'bright idea' by mother mother, which frankly is pretty much one of the most buck songs i've ever heard lol.
> 
> im @[buckleyeddie](https://buckleyeddie.tumblr.com/) on tumblr! feel free to give me a poke or just talk about these two.
> 
> p.s. sorry for the obscene amount of run-on sentences jfsdjgh


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